Ever felt like you missed the love boat?
"All the good ones are taken"
This is something I hear often from my clients. Nothing could be further from the truth. Please meet the Rothchilds. They met through OKcupid when Ken was 67, and Nancy was 63. He asked her out for a coffee and the rest was history.
“I just couldn’t wait to see her again every time we parted” -Ken.
People are more confident and clear about who they are as they get older. And that's attractive.
Why does this matter? It's important to note that “Self-esteem is related to better health, less criminal behavior, lower levels of depression and, overall, greater success in life,” said the study’s lead author, Ulrich Orth, PHD. “Therefore, it’s important to learn more about how the average person’s self-esteem changes over time."
”Self-esteem was lowest among young adults but increased throughout adulthood, peaking at age 60, before it started to decline. These results are reported in the latest issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, published by the American Psychological Association.
So at this point, you might be thinking:
So I have to wait till I'm middle-age to be confident enough to find love?...
And the answer is ...
Obviously not! You can start increasing your self-esteem and releasing limiting beliefs right now, and that will impact the rest of your life. The time to do the inner work is always NOW.
Here are three simple ways to improve self-esteem:
1. Use affirmations correctly
Positive affirmations such as “I am going to be a great success!” are very popular, but they don't work if you don't believe them on a subconscious level. Also, they tend to make people with low self-worth feel worse about themselves. Why? Because when our self-esteem is low, such declarations are simply too contrary to our existing beliefs.
For affirmations to work when your self-esteem is lagging, tweak them to make them more believable. For example, change “I’m going to be a great success!” to “I’m going to persevere until I succeed!”
A key component to affirmations (that nobody talks about) is living into them. How can I make my statement more true today? How can I bring this into my life in a practical way? In my experience, it only works when you take daily action towards making it a reality.
2. Start saying "no"
People with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes to everything, even when they do not really want to.
The risk is that you become overburdened, resentful, angry, and depressed. It will suck your energy in a way that contracts you. For the most part, saying no does not upset healthy relationships. You always want to be authentic and compassionate with your communication and set your boundaries from that energetic place.
3. Learn to take compliments in
One of the trickiest aspects of improving self-esteem is that when we feel bad about ourselves we tend to be more resistant to compliments — even though that is when we most need them, we may not be open to receive them. So, set yourself the goal to let compliments in, even if they make you uncomfortable (and they will), and to focus more on the positive feedback you get vs the negative.
A good way to start is to prepare simple set responses and train yourself to use them automatically whenever you get good feedback (e.g., “Thank you” or “How kind of you to say”). In time, the impulse to deny or rebuff compliments will fade — which will also be a nice indication your self-esteem is getting stronger.
Self-esteem is an inside out job, so no amount of compliments will make you feel worthy. Yet being open to receiving them will expand you, and help you see your own divine femininity.